Ex-planation

It's been a long while since I felt like divulging the contents of my mind, or rather my heart, to a computer screen. I wonder what this shall serve, other than remind me of the screw ups that litter the latter stages of my uni life, but here goes:

"Love will find a way, but you must take the first step"

Being young and foolish, and curious about the limits of my pain threshold, I set about to re-court my ex whom I ungraciously dumped more than 2 years back. Call it a stupid gamble, but I was really, really down after another attempt at a previous target backfired spectacularly. That is another story that I might share some other time, if I have the patience to dig up the part of my memories that I wished never existed in the first place.

Back to the ex, it wasn't a sudden change of heart. It started when I saw this look of fear every time we had even the slightest of eye contact. That made me think, "OMG, what have I done to this girl?" Her clinginess to other girls even gave me the impression that she is more interested in the fairer sex rather than guys.

I had to do someting, thought my guilty heart, otherwise this girl will forever lose the ability to feel the joy and pain of healthy relationships. (Later I found out that she did indeed think of guys as deceitful beings who gave empty promises they can never keep, thus confirming my suspiscions that she lost all faith in guys)

By time I went through all the spiral of emotions that came with reconnecting with an old flame, including confusion, bewilderment, curiosity, and joy, I find myself once again sitting on that chair called 'lost love'. I begin to reminisce about the times we had together, the good, bad and ugly. Blaming my immature self for letting her go once, and even creating the sour state that we were in, there was no limit to my self-loathing. I had lost a partner that really accepted and loved me for who I am, even though I justified the break-up with lines such as:

"You and I just are not meant to be"

"Our interests are not the same at all"

"You are meant for someone better, not me"

At this stage, I made the decision to set things right. I was ready to give her another go at reclaiming at should-be happiness that was extinguished by my childishness. However, the timing of our finals made any real efforts futile. The best I could manage at this point was to reconcile with her, slowly but surely making my way back to her now frozen heart scarred by another relationship flop after me.

I talked to her through MSN, and gradually she begin to open back to me. However, I sense the large amounts of thorns that lay before me, and I avoided all talk would give her any impression that I was aiming at her.

I made a bet with her instead:

"Let's see who can score better in this finals. Loser treats the winner for one day." (In which I would later lose, much to my disappointment)

She accepted of course, in good spirits. That is all the motivation I needed to focus on my exams despite my renewed intentions. Let's now skip this exam and industrial training crap that I had to go through immediately after. Instead let's now jump ahead to the new semester.

"Ah! A brand new day has arrived, and I've got a girl to catch."

Armed with a car, which I previously didn't have for the last three years of university, I quickly made my advances. I knew that time was not on my side, with it being our final year in uni. Any time together, provided that I succeed, would depend on how fast I can make my plan stick. Lo and behold, due to extuanating circumstances, i.e she got measles, i didn't have the car for two weeks, busy with assignments and reports, etc., the first four weeks went without any progress.

Once I finally had everything in place, and some hesitation from her, I decided to ask her out. Well, by asking her out, I meant confessing my renewed feelings. At a later time, I would realized that I forgot to ask her to become my girl friend:

*BIG SMACK* for that blunder

However, it was not meant to be. She pointed out some very critical issues that I had not considered:

"How about your future workplace? Will you come to PG just for me?"

"Why would you come back to me after all this time?"

"Would I be the first priority in your mind, or would family and other interests come first?"

I was left speechless, not for the first time in my life. She had changed drastically. All her arguements were bang on, and I had no answer to her inquiries. So I let it be at that point, and just decided to stick with the friends status for now. I had to think about the strings attached with being her boy friend, lest I repeat the same mistake that I had done two years back. We then enjoyed some good times as friends, such as my senior's graduation, and a couple of movies in a group of friends.

After a few weeks, I thought that I would be ready to ask her again. So I arranged for a date, under a pretext that I would like to enjoy some of her hometown's food. She agreed, maybe not knowing of my ulterior motives. The day went along uneventfully, but I felt that she was not herself. During the whole time, she was relatively quiet and distant, and there was the unmistakable sense of weirdness in the air between us. Before we reached campus, I decided that I would approach her with another proposal. That turned out to be another heartache, as she added that she found it hard to start the relationship because of the past.

I knew very well that what I had done was unforgivable and could not be erased. I had hoped that I could make amends for it by making her happy again. What wishful and self-conceited thinking that turned out to be. I didn't want to make her happy, I just though about my own self, yet again. I could not change the fact that I left her in tatters, being her first break-up experience. That eventually clinched the fact that this would not work out after all.

I remained hopeful of course. These days all I could think about is her, and it pains me that I had let her go once. I wanted her to feel what I felt. Happiness just by being around you, and seeing you smile is all I need to make my day complete.

During this entire time, I trusted only one other person well enough to share my predicament. I told myself that this is my own problem, and I have to solve it myself or I would never grow up for this relationship challenge. That friend pointed out that had I been more 'creative' and 'romantic' I would have succeeded a few weeks back. Again, this left me feeling vexed, as I had not done the bloody obvious. Well, those suggestions were not really my cup of tea, and personally I felt that emotions and honesty were more important than materialistic gifts. The times have really left me behind, or maybe i was just too old-fashioned.

During that week after the botched date, I felt that she was really feeling depressed and I tried my best to look happy and perky so that I could show her that she was still the light of my life; the reason that I could push myself out of bed every morning and try my utmost in everything. That was a pretense, I would later realize, and she knew of it too. This can't go one forever, the state of being more than frens, but not exactly lovers is pushing her to the edge, and I could not ease her burden anymore than I could rein in my emotions.

Finally, one MSN session later, she finally made up her mind.

"Let's be friends again, and hope that someone better comes along soon"

That was the confirmation that I had waited for 10 weeks to hear. It was a bittersweet moment. I was relieved that she finally decided what to do with me. Of course, my unanswered love left me broken and empty inside. There was nothing I could do more, I comforted myself. I had tried my best, and held nothing back during the period of courtship. But it seems that she had a bigger barrier to overcome, accepting one who had once meant the world to her but also destroyed it an instant.

Yeap, the reason she could not accept me back into her heart was because that person is *me*.

That is something that I could never change: being me.

Of course, she was willing to talk to me openly again. And for some time, I was filled with a false sense of joy which i knew is like the high from a caffeine overdose. Once it wore off, I was lost again, as I was before these ordeal started in the first place. I knew that it was time to move on to new people and new experiences. Of course, letting her go the first time was one of the hardest things I have to do. Letting her go the second time is not any easier, but I will break if I don't do it soon. MY patience has reached its end, my emotions threaten to boil over and *snap* would my conscience go.

I was madly out of love, not the first time in my life, but it was never easy no matter how many times it has been.

At least, I could talk to her again. I had hoped that after this episode is over, we could smile at each other again without clouded eyes. Talk to one another like old buddies. Share our final year together as uni mates. This much I hope I can do, should I first dispose of this selfish nature of my emotions. I really wished I had a PLAN B, but she was the only person I had put all my money on.

That more or less sums up what has transpired over the absence of posting, as I sorted out my scattered feelings in my head. I then decided that at the risk of ridicule, it would be better than I posted this entry so that I could remind myself of the person that I once was. Hopefully, my destined one is not too far off in the future, but I can really just try my best in living on my undergrad years and pray for the best in the future. To her, allow me one final curtain call:

"You will always be a special person in my life, now and forever"

xing