Ex-planation

It's been a long while since I felt like divulging the contents of my mind, or rather my heart, to a computer screen. I wonder what this shall serve, other than remind me of the screw ups that litter the latter stages of my uni life, but here goes:

"Love will find a way, but you must take the first step"

Being young and foolish, and curious about the limits of my pain threshold, I set about to re-court my ex whom I ungraciously dumped more than 2 years back. Call it a stupid gamble, but I was really, really down after another attempt at a previous target backfired spectacularly. That is another story that I might share some other time, if I have the patience to dig up the part of my memories that I wished never existed in the first place.

Back to the ex, it wasn't a sudden change of heart. It started when I saw this look of fear every time we had even the slightest of eye contact. That made me think, "OMG, what have I done to this girl?" Her clinginess to other girls even gave me the impression that she is more interested in the fairer sex rather than guys.

I had to do someting, thought my guilty heart, otherwise this girl will forever lose the ability to feel the joy and pain of healthy relationships. (Later I found out that she did indeed think of guys as deceitful beings who gave empty promises they can never keep, thus confirming my suspiscions that she lost all faith in guys)

By time I went through all the spiral of emotions that came with reconnecting with an old flame, including confusion, bewilderment, curiosity, and joy, I find myself once again sitting on that chair called 'lost love'. I begin to reminisce about the times we had together, the good, bad and ugly. Blaming my immature self for letting her go once, and even creating the sour state that we were in, there was no limit to my self-loathing. I had lost a partner that really accepted and loved me for who I am, even though I justified the break-up with lines such as:

"You and I just are not meant to be"

"Our interests are not the same at all"

"You are meant for someone better, not me"

At this stage, I made the decision to set things right. I was ready to give her another go at reclaiming at should-be happiness that was extinguished by my childishness. However, the timing of our finals made any real efforts futile. The best I could manage at this point was to reconcile with her, slowly but surely making my way back to her now frozen heart scarred by another relationship flop after me.

I talked to her through MSN, and gradually she begin to open back to me. However, I sense the large amounts of thorns that lay before me, and I avoided all talk would give her any impression that I was aiming at her.

I made a bet with her instead:

"Let's see who can score better in this finals. Loser treats the winner for one day." (In which I would later lose, much to my disappointment)

She accepted of course, in good spirits. That is all the motivation I needed to focus on my exams despite my renewed intentions. Let's now skip this exam and industrial training crap that I had to go through immediately after. Instead let's now jump ahead to the new semester.

"Ah! A brand new day has arrived, and I've got a girl to catch."

Armed with a car, which I previously didn't have for the last three years of university, I quickly made my advances. I knew that time was not on my side, with it being our final year in uni. Any time together, provided that I succeed, would depend on how fast I can make my plan stick. Lo and behold, due to extuanating circumstances, i.e she got measles, i didn't have the car for two weeks, busy with assignments and reports, etc., the first four weeks went without any progress.

Once I finally had everything in place, and some hesitation from her, I decided to ask her out. Well, by asking her out, I meant confessing my renewed feelings. At a later time, I would realized that I forgot to ask her to become my girl friend:

*BIG SMACK* for that blunder

However, it was not meant to be. She pointed out some very critical issues that I had not considered:

"How about your future workplace? Will you come to PG just for me?"

"Why would you come back to me after all this time?"

"Would I be the first priority in your mind, or would family and other interests come first?"

I was left speechless, not for the first time in my life. She had changed drastically. All her arguements were bang on, and I had no answer to her inquiries. So I let it be at that point, and just decided to stick with the friends status for now. I had to think about the strings attached with being her boy friend, lest I repeat the same mistake that I had done two years back. We then enjoyed some good times as friends, such as my senior's graduation, and a couple of movies in a group of friends.

After a few weeks, I thought that I would be ready to ask her again. So I arranged for a date, under a pretext that I would like to enjoy some of her hometown's food. She agreed, maybe not knowing of my ulterior motives. The day went along uneventfully, but I felt that she was not herself. During the whole time, she was relatively quiet and distant, and there was the unmistakable sense of weirdness in the air between us. Before we reached campus, I decided that I would approach her with another proposal. That turned out to be another heartache, as she added that she found it hard to start the relationship because of the past.

I knew very well that what I had done was unforgivable and could not be erased. I had hoped that I could make amends for it by making her happy again. What wishful and self-conceited thinking that turned out to be. I didn't want to make her happy, I just though about my own self, yet again. I could not change the fact that I left her in tatters, being her first break-up experience. That eventually clinched the fact that this would not work out after all.

I remained hopeful of course. These days all I could think about is her, and it pains me that I had let her go once. I wanted her to feel what I felt. Happiness just by being around you, and seeing you smile is all I need to make my day complete.

During this entire time, I trusted only one other person well enough to share my predicament. I told myself that this is my own problem, and I have to solve it myself or I would never grow up for this relationship challenge. That friend pointed out that had I been more 'creative' and 'romantic' I would have succeeded a few weeks back. Again, this left me feeling vexed, as I had not done the bloody obvious. Well, those suggestions were not really my cup of tea, and personally I felt that emotions and honesty were more important than materialistic gifts. The times have really left me behind, or maybe i was just too old-fashioned.

During that week after the botched date, I felt that she was really feeling depressed and I tried my best to look happy and perky so that I could show her that she was still the light of my life; the reason that I could push myself out of bed every morning and try my utmost in everything. That was a pretense, I would later realize, and she knew of it too. This can't go one forever, the state of being more than frens, but not exactly lovers is pushing her to the edge, and I could not ease her burden anymore than I could rein in my emotions.

Finally, one MSN session later, she finally made up her mind.

"Let's be friends again, and hope that someone better comes along soon"

That was the confirmation that I had waited for 10 weeks to hear. It was a bittersweet moment. I was relieved that she finally decided what to do with me. Of course, my unanswered love left me broken and empty inside. There was nothing I could do more, I comforted myself. I had tried my best, and held nothing back during the period of courtship. But it seems that she had a bigger barrier to overcome, accepting one who had once meant the world to her but also destroyed it an instant.

Yeap, the reason she could not accept me back into her heart was because that person is *me*.

That is something that I could never change: being me.

Of course, she was willing to talk to me openly again. And for some time, I was filled with a false sense of joy which i knew is like the high from a caffeine overdose. Once it wore off, I was lost again, as I was before these ordeal started in the first place. I knew that it was time to move on to new people and new experiences. Of course, letting her go the first time was one of the hardest things I have to do. Letting her go the second time is not any easier, but I will break if I don't do it soon. MY patience has reached its end, my emotions threaten to boil over and *snap* would my conscience go.

I was madly out of love, not the first time in my life, but it was never easy no matter how many times it has been.

At least, I could talk to her again. I had hoped that after this episode is over, we could smile at each other again without clouded eyes. Talk to one another like old buddies. Share our final year together as uni mates. This much I hope I can do, should I first dispose of this selfish nature of my emotions. I really wished I had a PLAN B, but she was the only person I had put all my money on.

That more or less sums up what has transpired over the absence of posting, as I sorted out my scattered feelings in my head. I then decided that at the risk of ridicule, it would be better than I posted this entry so that I could remind myself of the person that I once was. Hopefully, my destined one is not too far off in the future, but I can really just try my best in living on my undergrad years and pray for the best in the future. To her, allow me one final curtain call:

"You will always be a special person in my life, now and forever"

xing

Level up!! +1 in 'age'

This otaku has leveled up in age, however sad to say that the insides remains essentially the same. The reminiscent school days is getting further out of reach, his outstretched hands grew heavy, and his eyes gradually close. Darkness ensues, he felt out of sync with himself, his mental state crumbled to meaningless fragments. His only hope now is to break out of this continuous cycle of mundane days with his last remaining source of life:

"MOE"

What does this mysterious term entail...I've sought this answer over and over again, and finally the answer is within grasp. It can't be something that simple to be contemplated during sleepless nights. Then again, otakus rarely have nights they can't sleep because they hate to be forced to sleep when there is so much more left to accomplish. I'm not generalizing otakus into nocturnal creatures, but the extreme ones felt that sleeping is just a waste of time because any time not devoted to fueling his passion is considered 'down time'

"Masters of Entertainment" = M.O.E.??

A very convincing acronym indeed, but alas it is indeed not representative of the magnitude of the word. MOE means different things for different people, with their little ticks and fetishes. You'll be surprised how even the most normal-looking dudes or chicks have their personal tastes in even the most mundane of shows/anime/series. This explains why certain sub-characters get more popularity than the leads, because even limited screen time doesn't stop the viewers from noticing and getting attached to the nuances of side characters. For example, a cute way of speaking, or habitual expressions of 'manliness', or outrageous clothing, maybe even a small body gesture is sufficient.

Whatever the trigger, once it locks on to the once-innocent viewer, it doesn't let go. You will then watch the remainder of the show thinking about that particular trait over and over again, even at the really interesting parts such as kissing scenes, or big booms, or the end of the world. Then, after the show is over, you turn off your pc/laptop/tv and try to divert your thoughts to something more important, like overdue assignment, or business proposals, or your date later tonight.

It's no use, it's still there, like a hook on your consciousness. You fight it off, trying everything such as mind exercises, or even a phone call to a long-lost friend. However, after distracting yourself, it seeps back in, slowly if not surely.

Then, the next time another show/anime/series flashes something similar on the screen, you immediately recognize it and think:
"This looks familiar somehow, but i'm definitely hooked up!"
Thus, begins a new tick in your list, another checkmark in your criterion for the show to score extra personal points, it must be there for the show to be good even.

A new 'moe' is born.

So...what is an otaku exactly?

An interesting question imposed by some of the visitors to this blog, and I gotta admit that I can only give you the answer based on my own perspective and experience. I can quote wikipedia or dictionary.org, but that would defeat the purpose of this blog and thus further reading is only recommended should you still feel confused and wanted to clarify my nonsensical babbling.

"A drill is a man's romance" - T.T.G.L.

So said an anime, and supported by parody by another anime. This is the first clue of how the otaku works and thinks. This subspecies of the humans clings on firmly to his own beliefs and does so with a passion that scares/creeps out/intimidate/bore his peers who do not unfortunately share his vision on what makes the world seem alright, God is in his heaven as he indulges in his personal agenda of self-gratification with a vengeance!

So why the need for another term? Degenerating words like geek and nerd already exist that may somewhat define this genre, but I like to point out that since I'm addicted to a *japanese* subculture it would be appropriate to use their original lingo. The reason for this is simple: I ~hate~ being grouped together with people with different ticks even though our passion for the obsession is equal drop by drop.

The anime otaku is a strange creature indeed. His life revolves around inanimate data, artificially created by other people for tv broadcasts, This can be likened to 'The Matrix", only that he realizes it very well himself but still wishes he can remained trapped in this spiral of addiction towards the 2-D realm. There seems to be no escape, once you get hooked to anime, only the pursuit of more, better, longer, more explosive, more girls, more animation to get over the excuse of sleeping in the next day.

"You don't just become an otaku just because you wanted to. You just wake up one day and you realize you're one before you know it." -Genshiken

Personally, I am most apprehensive when my friends recommend new anime for me to watch. This has nothing to do with the fact that I do not trust their judgement being less anime-informed than your truly *ahem*...but I am afraid to lose myself in awe of another killer series that threatens to devour the remainder of my already short free time since my uni days are zapping all my resources to the unending workload hence limiting my pleasure to freely enjoy episode after episode without a single care in the world. Ah, the good old days ! How far away they seem now, even if I'm sure that it happened not-too-long ago

Well, with regard to that, I see it fit to end my explanation here. Next time: The pursuit of moe!

Where my soul belongs

There is no precedent for changing my blog service, I was totally fine with livespaces. However, I need something fast...something easier to access...something that I already have an account for, since I resent sign-up procedures. Anyway, this will be my rant space for a while being.

Oh btw, about the blog title, I feel that represents my present situation. Anime and games and anything with J-tags is all the rage even outside of Land of Rising Sons, but in Malaysia it is very much a subculture. No one can openly admit they like anime, for there is little differentiation from 'cartoons' or 'kiddie shows' over here. Doing so will instantly earn you 'the eye': looks of contempt from your peers who think it is much cooler to watch serials such as Lost, House, etc

I wish I could name more examples of these 'hip' titles, but not being able to do proves that I'm not a trend-follower, even if I am a very conformist person in real life. Ha, it's only that my 'ticks' are different than your average Malaysian. Anime culture has been around for a while, but they are quite restricted to the kiddie section, starting with the timeless 4D pocket of our beloved cat-from-the-future, Mr. D.

My foray into this culture that changed my life was on sat-tv, Astro...on a certain channel named AXN, which showcases some anime from time to time. The movie of You're Under Arrest, or Taiho Sichauzo in Japan was being shown and from that moment on, I was hooked. From buying original DVD's (40 ringgit a pop at that time), to leeching my fren's collection, and eventually reaching the mecha of downloading them myself using bittorrent, my life has basically been dominated by anime, during hours in which I find myself not tormented by tests, exams, outings or ex's.

I pride myself on overwatching my original master, the ONE who showed me that fansub anime kicks the stuffing out of HK-subs which are released in Malaysia. There should be around 200+ titles on my personal anime account over at www.animenfo.com in which I go the username 'skuld2k1'

My love for anime is hard to explain, it gives me the same spectrum of emotions from playing a very good game (for me, Metal Gear Solid and FF 9 comes to mind). The best thing is that I can feel that the passion of Japanese people towards their anime beaming towards me from my CRT monitor. It is most additive, and although not all anime are created equal, I soon found myself even more engrossed in this 'subculture'.

How I wish I could visit the motherland of this great phenomenon of anime, Japan. There are many places, and experiences that I would like to partake in, such as cosplay cafes and comicfests. However, my situation in campus will not forgive such selfishness of the heart, even if my bank account says yes (well it's not really that good at the moment, sadly speaking). There must be some chance in the future, but when will that be I cannot fathom within my foggy mind, now recovering from another buzz of good' ol' anime. My country is my home, and I would like to remain that way, but my otaku soul belongs to some far-east country far within reach.

Thus, my body and mind may be happy here, but something inside of me felt like it doesn't fit in there, like a mismatched nut in a complex machine. I can still work, but until the day that I find solace in the haven of Akihabara or the Comicfest twin towers, I shall remain an otaku incomplete, trapped within myself.